My year in review

The following is a list of how I think I have been so far this year. The topics appear as they came to mind, there is little forethought to any of this beyond my desire to create this list for my future self and those that care about my current state.

  • My Anxiety
    • Overall, this has been good. I have not had nearly as many breakdowns as I have had in previous years, however, I do not feel good about that. If we take my level of anxiousness to be a measure of how much I care about something, then my lack of feeling anxiety this year is directly related to my lack of caring about the world. Question is, what caused this change?
  • My Depression
    • Simply put, I think it was my depression. It has ruined me for the most of this year. I had no motivation to do well in anything that I put myself to. I stepped out of the fencing club and have not involved myself in it where at all possible. When it came to exam time I achieved a record low. I am no longer able to graduate summa cum laude and I only had these two semesters to go too. I am disappointed in myself because I know I could have, and should have done better. In class, I did not pay full attention. I did not take my usual amount of notes. I paid more attention to my tablet than I did to the words that were coming out of my lecturers’ mouths. So what can I do to change this?
  • My Social Situations
    • As I cannot answer the above question, let me speak of this for now. I have avoided almost all social contact this entire year. On campus, I stayed in the department or off campus and did not partake in social gatherings beyond meeting with Jethro at the movies once, and FNM. My family and friends have moved to the more local Unseen Shoppe FNM and I am finding it a much more comforting place than the Batcave. It used to be smaller but has, on some nights, exceeded the number of people in attendance. I am familiar with the people at Unseen and I like the store. I wish to continue going there.
    • I have half committed to EDH on Sundays at unseen and Pathfinder on Mondays but neither of them I have completely agreed to. I would like to do both but I worry that petrol will become an issue and that it may be too much socialising for me to handle. I really like the sound of Jason’s Roll20 game sessions but think that a more role playing based environment would be better.
    • I still dislike going out and would rather stay at home but am able to cope with doing the shopping alone now and am better at telling when my brain is getting overloaded and I need to back out. This is what I am most proud of that I have mentioned so far. Its a great step towards stabilising my mental health.
    • I joined the furry community (ZAFuzzButts) but would not consider myself a furry. I like the role play involved and it is nice to be able to voice random thoughts somewhere where I know they won’t be laughed at.
  • My Friends
    • The honourable mention
      •  midway through the year I wanted to get back in touch with this person from my past. Now I am of the mind to not make contact and move on even if there are things that I feel are left unresolved. I acknowledge that it would be better for me if I found that closure but I simply do not wish to remake her live those terrible memories of me, nor do I want to remind myself of what I did to her.
    • Ella
      • Overall doing well, rather stressed out, now has a boyfriend (Andrew)
    • Jason
      • still on the rise as far as he is letting me know
    • Jethro
      • his position on this list is iffy but he is here for ‘old times sake’
    • Nasreen
      • the most troublesome of my friends but who never feels like a burden. I cannot say how my relationship is with her as we have had many disagreements in the past few days. I really hope she is doing well enough.
    • CJC
      • the most recent addition to my circle of friends. I really like this woman but cannot put any kind of measurement on the strength of our bond yet.
    • Others
      • The ‘others’ here refers to all those that I care about their presence in my life, but not enough to do anything about were major issues to arise. The people at unseen shoppe and Batcave are prime examples here.
  • My Family
    • My dad being away is taking a noticeable toll on my mom and myself. He is my support in the house and without him, I feel less safe. I think that this is one of the reasons why my depression has been more intense this year. My mom, is trying very hard to cover all the things that he did, I am yet to determine whether it is my bias or not but I think that she and I are doing the vast majority of the work when my siblings could easily share some of that burden.
  • My Work
    • I mentioned earlier how my marks dropped to disappointing levels and I regret that I was foolish enough to not do anything about it when I knew at the time that it was an issue. I did all I needed to do in order to pass.
  • My Hobbies
    • Music has dropped off the radar completely. I now spend most of my time reading but I would like to spend more of that time drawing and cooking. I have started to enjoy dancing more and more as the year has gone on and would no longer like to quit should the opportunity arise. I still have no desire to compete in it though. Now that I have access to a working computer I am enjoying and thankfully not abusing my time on it.
  • My Habits
    • Biting nails, fidgeting, compulsive scratching, and restlessness. The constant ringing in my ears which varies in intensity each day. The lack of forethought before I speak when I am comfortable and the overthinking of thoughts when I am not. I like to always be doing something and podcasts, writing and drawing are easy and constructive outs that I wish to pursue more of.
  • My resolve
    • is…incredibly weak. I am still indecisive and I battle to do thing. This largely relates back to the beginning of what I was writing here where the more I care about something, the easier it is for me to do it, but the more likely I am to have an anxiety attack and fail, which makes me more anxious and it is a vicious cycle. On the days when I wish to do absolutely nothing, I now have found the willpower to make sure I last the day. Mainly because I know that if I end up damaging my body or my mind and live, I will regret it. I wish to not regret any more.

That is about all I can manage right now. I can feel the lure of sleep pulling me ever closer into the tides of darkness. I hope that that answers the question I hate the most: How are you?

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