Riding my Demons

A Daily Response to the Daily Post’s Daily Prompt: Moonshots

So I am one of those people who will not do anything if I have not got the motivation for it. Sometimes the motivation comes to me in a spur of joy and other times it comes in the form of maintaining adherence to my moral code – in other words, it’s motivated by obligation. But lately, I haven’t had any of that motivation. I haven’t felt that excitement that I used to feel while writing. I no longer feel that sense of joy when I devour the knowledge kindly imparted by others. Whenever I have the motivation to do something, anxiety kills it. And when I don’t have that motivation, I no longer care that I don’t.

I was looking at the moon on my way home yesterday, just enjoying its serene beauty. I remembered the day when I wished that I would follow Armstrong and Aldrin onto the moon. I remembered what I used to feel like. When anxiety and depression hadn’t slam-dunked my dreams into an eldritch ocean of despair. I want those days back. I want those days back. I started to slip further down the slope that I have been dragged down for the past few weeks, and I remembered what I wanted. I wanted emotion. I wanted passion. I wanted anger and I wanted rage. I wanted the burning desire to achieve my goals. I wanted to feel the pain and suffering that urged me to rejoice in those calm  moments. I wanted peace, I wanted tranquillity. What I wanted, was to feel human again.I know I have spoken about this point several

I know I have spoken about this point several times before but this is really all I want. I had someone say that they hate me and that they can never forgive me for what I did. I was caught in a situation that I could lie to get out of, but then my lie would not have been believed. Or I could have told the truth and hurt not just the person whom my words were directed at but also the one who I was trying to keep afloat. My moral code does not forbid lies and deceit. It acknowledges the blissful state that is ignorant and only if one expresses a great enough desire to know the truth of the situation does deceiving them become bad. I believe in freedom. Well, the illusion of it. I believe that we should all be able to live our lives how we choose to so long as that choice does not harm others. I don’t care if you want to agree with this or not, but I would be interested in finding out your reasons for why or why not. I want to feel truly human emotion, yet all I have at the moment is my undesirable reason.

First and foremost, I want to feel human again. In order to do that, there are a few things that I feel I need first. This post is dedicated to that list. Of what I want in order to feel human again. This post is dedicated to the people like me. Those who can no longer fight their demons. Our lives may be short, but that just means that we can concentrate our greatness. 

I need support. I can’t live alone and I do not want to feel lonely again. I relish in cold weather but I can’t quite handle the frigid embrace of loneliness. I want someone who can mother me. I want a pillar who can support me. I want a friend that I am ‘stuck with’. Someone who relies on me to help them through things. I function best when I am under pressure and if you, dear you know who, would continue to rely on me then I would joyously accpet the honour.
I have these three people in my life already and you all know who you are. You have given me enough sustenance to get the help that I so desperately needed. This is my innermost circle and without enraging my demons, I cannot accommodate any more people just yet. Next, is the outer circle. These are the friends that I will always try to be happy around because I do not want to disappoint them. These are the people who do not know of all the darkness that I face and it is them who give me my goal. My dear family, you stand on the border. You mark the edge between the outer and inner circles. I wish not to worry you with all that I must go through and I want to always be able to help you when you are in need of help. I want you to be able to rely on me like I rely on you.

The outer circle is far more encompassing than the inner circle and it includes things like the responsibilities that I hold and the things I want to achieve. Currently, what I want to achieve is too far out and I can hardly ever reach it. I want to bring this closer to my inner circle and make my goals more important to me. If they are more important, then that nasty reason of mine tells me that my motivation towards them will increase. So what do I want to achieve?

  1. First place in class and Summa Cum Lade graduation. Yes. I believe that I can do it.
  2. A succesful short story collection. I want to be a writer. I want to be a reader and I want you to enjoy what I write.
  3. To help you. One of my moral maxims is “to help others when you are in a position to help them. The greater their need for help, the more obligated you are to help them.” The friend that I am in fear of losing, but fully willing to accept that fate, does not like the fact that I live according to a system of moral obligations. And what I want her, and you, to understand is that no moral maxim should exist if one does not wish to comply by it. My morality spawns from my desire to be someone that can be looked up to. If I say ‘I am obligated to’ then it means that I want to.
  4. Fourth, I want security. I wand to feel a sense of safety where I am and the determination that is needed to maintain this.
  5. I want none of this to be easy.

The quote that has gotten me through the worst preempted situations is “if you’re going to be bad at something anyway, might as well make it the plan”. This line that I first heard out of Eleven’s mouth is my main strategy when I approach something. I’ll look at what I can and can’t do and use what I can’t do to make my impact even greater.

I want to aim for the moon. And I want to use my demons to get me there.

 

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