A Walking Contradiction

Has it really been four days that I was away from here? It sure felt like a lot more. Alas, dear reader, I am back. I am still tired and I am still just as lazy as I was before but at least this time, I am going to be more vocal about it. Normally when life gets too tough I go into seclusion and kick the stuffing out of all that got in my way. This time, I am going to try a different approach. Instead of relying on my own abilities to sort things out I am going to try lug it off onto others to get them to do the work for me. What I don’t like about this is that it means that I can’t adequately say that I am my own person. But even then, I don’t believe that any of us are truly our own person. We are a merger of all that we see around us and our reactions to it is what define us.

I reacted badly to a friend today. I didn’t like that. I said one thing but then countered it with what I said later. I wasn’t consistent. And I value consistency and efficiency. Perhaps because I lack both. Perhaps because I find that they just make things run smoothly and when things run smoothly, I can relax.

So why have I linked this to the prompt Maybe?

Well, maybe it is because I think that things are actually looking up now. Maybe I think I have done what I need to in my little secular state and now I need to branch out and experiment again. So maybe I am going to break out of character and converse with those that I don’t normally speak to. But then again, maybe I won’t. It’s not because I don’t want to, although a large part of it is that. But a lot of it is because I can’t. I’ve tried to walk up to someone and strike a conversation but it just doesn’t work. I can’t take that approach so I’ll have to find another method. One that works. One that allows me to maintain true to my worldview and doesn’t induce mass panic attacks. I can’t fight this thing. I have no way to fight against my demons. I can’t outrun them. That didn’t work. So maybe,just maybe, if I accept them, then I can fight with them.

Someone who I am wanting to try and get closer to told me to just pray. I’ve tried that. I failed at that too. It didn’t work for me. People say that it is because I don’t have unwavering faith in an almighty. I say that all those who do are either lying to themselves or stripping themselves of a large part of their humanity. To be human. This is as much of a pray as I can truly give. A hand offering help. The other asking to be pulled up. My heart crying out for a lover and my mind rejecting all who try.

Being human means to be destructive. To be creative. To be shallow and to be deep. To love and to hate. To reason and induce. To fight and to flee. But most importantly, it’s that we do all of this at the same time. To be human is to be a walking contradiction.

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