To Feel Human Again

Dream Journal 04-08-16

Just another empty vial. Nothing new happening there.

A Not-so-Daily Response to the Daily Post’s Daily Prompt: Craving

I woke up today and could tell that it was just going to be a bad day. I tried to turn it around with feigned optimism but that failed. I spent the entire day up until now on the brink of a panic attack. It’s really tough living like this and I have been doing so for far longer than I would like to admit.

Don’t get me wrong. I can fully accept the fact that most of why I am like this is my own fault. We’ve all made mistakes in life and we’ve all got something that is weighing us down. For me, I distanced myself from people when I was a child. I could not relate to anyone at my school on a level that actually promoted my psychological well being. Instead, I took an even worse route and opted for isolation. In a way, I’m glad that I did because it made me the person who I am today and I am proud of what I have come through. I am not a fighter, I wake up and greet my demons every day before I bolster my defences and run as if my life depends on it. And in a way, it does. Yet, the two polar opposite brain states that I experience allow me to balance this out. But, between the oh-my-word-is-that-a-flower-floating-through-the-sky-I-CARE-ABOUT-EVERYTHING!!! To a state, where nothing really matters. It’s just . . . apathy.

Alternating between these two states is like jumping from tightrope to tightrope, with no safety cord, as they are being dragged behind supersonic jets in the sky thousands of metres up. It’s the most tiring thing I have ever done and I am still doing it as of this moment. I am still running from those circus demons who want to push me off and fighter pilots A and D who wish to twist and entangle me with the very thing that keeps me afloat.

I am tired. I am drained and I want a rest. I think I deserve a rest, but I know I am not going to get one. All I can do is try to help myself by only chewing on what I can digest. I am overambitious and afraid of failure. (Yet, funnily enough, I do not mind it when I am wrong).

I know that many of you out there are craving things like love and companionship. I’ve read some of your tales of heartbreak and desire. All of you people going around doing regular things, creating, destroying, craving. Yu are wonderfully human and I want you to be able to accept that being destructive is part of our nature, but that does not mean that we should just allow it to roam free.

Is it too much for me to ask if I can just feel human?

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