Broken at the Crossroads

Dream Journal 03-05-16

For once, I didn’t know where I was right away. It had been a long time since I knew I was dreaming in the dream itself and this was the first time when I had no idea where I planted my feet. It wasn’t hard to work out,  I was in the middle of an old, worn down path that diverged about three hundred metres in front of me.

It was a pathway of my life, all my memories were available for me to live and relive like they happened just last week. In my case, I only had about seven memories of my childhood. I didn’t understand why. The memory furthest away from me must have occurred when I was about five years old. The next, eight. Then twelve, thirteen and thirteen again. That made five. I had five memories of my own life. Dream me was shaken down to his core, unable to stand looking back at the past he did what we always do, raised our head to the future, and ran from our past. The human muscles are actually a lot stronger than we think, however, they are limited in their capacity as to not break our own bones or rip our own tendons. The adrenaline rush allows us to surpass our mortal limitations and exceed unbelievable strength and speed. I was no fighter, I was a runner and I flew down that road so fast it was almost as if I had stopped myself in time and space and let the earth move underneath me. I hit the crossroads faster than I had expected. I wanted to be able to view both paths from a distance but here they were forced up into my face, far too close for me to get an accurate picture of either of them.

From what I could make out, the path on the left lead me down a road to sadness and truth. I was alone in my life, my family had packed up and left me, the few friends I had I had driven away. I had a job, something that paid the bills and kept me busy, but I could barely sustain myself on it. I had a dog, utterly spoilt but adored me so. Seems as if I would spend most of my wage making sure she had a good life. The walls in that path were waist high, I could see over everything and knew that I had achieved a higher state of mental capability than most.

My curiosity had gotten the better of me once more as I realised I had taken a some steps towards this sad and miserable life. From what I could remember, down the other path, I looked happy. I had that same dog, who here looked ecstatic, but at my side were also a wife and children. I had a job I enjoyed, lecturing. Paid worse than the other but we had found a way to manage. Yet there was something off about this, it felt too good to be true. It felt like a lie. And that it was for my dog loved my children and not me. Those same children didn’t consider me their dad but more of a sperm donator. My wife, she put on a good act. I was not able to make her happy and so she sought pleasure outside of my reach. I knew, and she knew that I knew. We cared enough for the other to not be overt about it and then there were the children to worry about as well. My life was a lie but my happiness was genuine. I had already taken too many steps towards the path of sadness for me to take the other path. Could I go back? No. That would mean facing all my past memories that had now caught up to me. I could feel their presence interfering with my spirit like a breeze to a flame on a frosty winter’s night.

Too afraid to turn back, but too stubborn to just accept that which was laid out in front of me I broke free from my present path and paved a new way for myself. I had no goal set out in front of me. I had no idea where I was going. I just didn’t want to live a life that I did not pave myself. I knew that I would still have all those past memories looming over me, maybe I could face them one day. I had managed to break away from fate and forge my own path and that was enough for today. Looking down at my arms drenched in blood I would need some time to heal. Until that when I am recovered enough to stand on my own feet again, I will remain here, broken at the crossroads, dragging my living corpse to the future that I have decided to forge. I just needed to figure out what that was.


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