My year in review

The following is a list of how I think I have been so far this year. The topics appear as they came to mind, there is little forethought to any of this beyond my desire to create this list for my future self and those that care about my current state.

  • My Anxiety
    • Overall, this has been good. I have not had nearly as many breakdowns as I have had in previous years, however, I do not feel good about that. If we take my level of anxiousness to be a measure of how much I care about something, then my lack of feeling anxiety this year is directly related to my lack of caring about the world. Question is, what caused this change?
  • My Depression
    • Simply put, I think it was my depression. It has ruined me for the most of this year. I had no motivation to do well in anything that I put myself to. I stepped out of the fencing club and have not involved myself in it where at all possible. When it came to exam time I achieved a record low. I am no longer able to graduate summa cum laude and I only had these two semesters to go too. I am disappointed in myself because I know I could have, and should have done better. In class, I did not pay full attention. I did not take my usual amount of notes. I paid more attention to my tablet than I did to the words that were coming out of my lecturers’ mouths. So what can I do to change this?
  • My Social Situations
    • As I cannot answer the above question, let me speak of this for now. I have avoided almost all social contact this entire year. On campus, I stayed in the department or off campus and did not partake in social gatherings beyond meeting with Jethro at the movies once, and FNM. My family and friends have moved to the more local Unseen Shoppe FNM and I am finding it a much more comforting place than the Batcave. It used to be smaller but has, on some nights, exceeded the number of people in attendance. I am familiar with the people at Unseen and I like the store. I wish to continue going there.
    • I have half committed to EDH on Sundays at unseen and Pathfinder on Mondays but neither of them I have completely agreed to. I would like to do both but I worry that petrol will become an issue and that it may be too much socialising for me to handle. I really like the sound of Jason’s Roll20 game sessions but think that a more role playing based environment would be better.
    • I still dislike going out and would rather stay at home but am able to cope with doing the shopping alone now and am better at telling when my brain is getting overloaded and I need to back out. This is what I am most proud of that I have mentioned so far. Its a great step towards stabilising my mental health.
    • I joined the furry community (ZAFuzzButts) but would not consider myself a furry. I like the role play involved and it is nice to be able to voice random thoughts somewhere where I know they won’t be laughed at.
  • My Friends
    • The honourable mention
      •  midway through the year I wanted to get back in touch with this person from my past. Now I am of the mind to not make contact and move on even if there are things that I feel are left unresolved. I acknowledge that it would be better for me if I found that closure but I simply do not wish to remake her live those terrible memories of me, nor do I want to remind myself of what I did to her.
    • Ella
      • Overall doing well, rather stressed out, now has a boyfriend (Andrew)
    • Jason
      • still on the rise as far as he is letting me know
    • Jethro
      • his position on this list is iffy but he is here for ‘old times sake’
    • Nasreen
      • the most troublesome of my friends but who never feels like a burden. I cannot say how my relationship is with her as we have had many disagreements in the past few days. I really hope she is doing well enough.
    • CJC
      • the most recent addition to my circle of friends. I really like this woman but cannot put any kind of measurement on the strength of our bond yet.
    • Others
      • The ‘others’ here refers to all those that I care about their presence in my life, but not enough to do anything about were major issues to arise. The people at unseen shoppe and Batcave are prime examples here.
  • My Family
    • My dad being away is taking a noticeable toll on my mom and myself. He is my support in the house and without him, I feel less safe. I think that this is one of the reasons why my depression has been more intense this year. My mom, is trying very hard to cover all the things that he did, I am yet to determine whether it is my bias or not but I think that she and I are doing the vast majority of the work when my siblings could easily share some of that burden.
  • My Work
    • I mentioned earlier how my marks dropped to disappointing levels and I regret that I was foolish enough to not do anything about it when I knew at the time that it was an issue. I did all I needed to do in order to pass.
  • My Hobbies
    • Music has dropped off the radar completely. I now spend most of my time reading but I would like to spend more of that time drawing and cooking. I have started to enjoy dancing more and more as the year has gone on and would no longer like to quit should the opportunity arise. I still have no desire to compete in it though. Now that I have access to a working computer I am enjoying and thankfully not abusing my time on it.
  • My Habits
    • Biting nails, fidgeting, compulsive scratching, and restlessness. The constant ringing in my ears which varies in intensity each day. The lack of forethought before I speak when I am comfortable and the overthinking of thoughts when I am not. I like to always be doing something and podcasts, writing and drawing are easy and constructive outs that I wish to pursue more of.
  • My resolve
    • is…incredibly weak. I am still indecisive and I battle to do thing. This largely relates back to the beginning of what I was writing here where the more I care about something, the easier it is for me to do it, but the more likely I am to have an anxiety attack and fail, which makes me more anxious and it is a vicious cycle. On the days when I wish to do absolutely nothing, I now have found the willpower to make sure I last the day. Mainly because I know that if I end up damaging my body or my mind and live, I will regret it. I wish to not regret any more.

That is about all I can manage right now. I can feel the lure of sleep pulling me ever closer into the tides of darkness. I hope that that answers the question I hate the most: How are you?

Pressure

Okay, where to start…

Hello, everyone. I feel extremely awkward coming back to you all after all this time that I neglected you. I know that that is not a rational thought as my odds are having a devout following are minuscule but I feel as if that is what I address you people as. Regardless, I shall be brief.

This place started off as a sanctuary for me in the beginning of this year but as my mental fortitude worsened and I drowned in my handful of mental illnesses, this became as much of a hell-hole for me as all my other safehouses. I have changed considerably over the course of the year and what I admire about myself is that I actually managed to get up despite falling as hard as I did and having one of my best friends torn away from me.

I don’t want your pity and I don’t want your concern. It is futile to worry over something you can do nothing about. In a few hours, I am deactivating my page. I am noot going to delete it as I do wish to keep its content for personal reference but this marks the end of Dreamer’s Paradise.

I no longer dream commonly anymore, it is a rarity that plagues me at night when I do.

Farewell, people of the internet.

 

Cable Ties and Duct Tape

I was speaking to my brother about not knowing what to write when I had a Homer Simpson like Epiphany. I could write about what I knew. I would write a tale about my life and my journey, but attributing it’s features to another and seeing how they would react to my situation. I guess this will be a horribly cliched novel(la) but I want t write and have something to focus on.

However, I am having Second Thoughts on actually writing this. It would involve me tapping into past events that I would rather just stay hidden. I don’t want to divulge all of my secrets. And, I know, I don’t have to. None of what I say therein is guaranteed to be truth. None of it has to be. Why I am having second thoughts is because I am so scared that I will stuff this up like I have done for so many other things. I am proud of this and do not wish for it to fail. I want it to be great, and, if not, at least good. I want it to be something that I can be proud of and something that I can use as reference to who I am.

I guess this is as much a journey of self discovery as it is of story crafting. I am scared. And I am not brave. But I want to do this. I want to show you what I can do. I want to impress you and make you feel those vicious things called emotions with my words alone.

My story, for now, is called ‘Cable Ties and Duct Tape’. It speaks of a broken boy who is desperately trying to tie himself together with whatever he can find. He faces a number of psychological defects and sees the world in what he keeps on getting told is ‘a different light’ but he himself doesn’t quite believe it.

I am very nervous to post anything relating to this here but I shall try to. I am very keen to hear your thoughts on this idea and will get back to all of you who take the time to comment.

-Nefilibata Out

Mondays…

“Don’t let a day of the week have so much power over your happiness.”
—Andrea L’Artiste

It’s Monday again. That day when we start back up our schedule and are reminded of the perpetual cycle that we willfully force ourselves into. This is my guess for why we all hate Mondays. But, there are those of us who look forward to this dreary day and to those people, I wish to say congratulations. You have done something that makes your life happy. Be proud of that.

Anyway. Enough moaning. Well, enough about Monday anyway. I want to write. I want to write badly. I want to weave tales of adventure and moral dilemma. I want to etch out tales that make its readers weep for loss, loathe the tragic ‘heroes’, and long for moments of bliss. But, whenever they get those moments, I want them to fear what I have in store for them next. I want to write something worth reading but have found it so terribly difficult to face the act of writing itself. I fear it. I do not wish to put myself through that. But I want to write. I want to write. Continue reading “Mondays…”

Not a Great Night

Dream Journal Update for 04-11-16

So last night I had a dream. One of the first that I have been able to remember in a while. Well, I say that, but that is a lie. The night before I had a dream of a person who is trying to hate me, I was in hysterics laughing at his attempts. But last night’s dream was scary. It was not a good night at all.

I came into writing this post with the dream still flowing in my mind. Now, when I try writing down what I have to say, I cannot find the words to even give you a basic sketch of what went on. In sum, I was out on the open road, when the Phyrexian invasion happened. I have no words to describe them but I do have images for you, so I hope that that shall suffice.

Pale White Eyes

A Rambling that is somewhat of an attempt to justify my skill of procrastinating everything by writing which I relate to the Daily Post’s Daily Prompt (Eerie) because it scares me but really, it’s Gorham Hilarious

IMG_20161031_183951.jpg

It is a not so well known and not so secret secret that I have a collection of stuffed toys which I adore and display proudly in my room. I never used to be academically inclined and so my mother found a way to motivate me. Every time I got an impressive mark, I’d be able to get some kind of a toy or game or thing that I wanted. I wasn’t academic, but I quickly saw my opportunity. I amassed a collection of stuff in a short while and over the next two years, my marks shot up. Now, what used to be impressive just wasn’t. I was able to get good grades without killing myself and the rewards I got from it amounted to less, and less. Eventually nothing. Earlier this year, two important things happened to me. I made a new best friend. And I got a stuffed toy.

The owl that you see in the picture above is what I sleep with each and every night. Her name is Vladina and she is neither mine nor is she a plush toy meant for cuddling. Vladina is a doorstop that I bought for a friend on her birthday. Invoking that age old ‘reward system’ she created and never terminated, I had convinced my mother to get me one (he’s called Vlad) for my marks that semester. Vlad was with me for a short while and now is in a better place. He is with Vladina’s owner.

I’ll explain two more things so just bear with me for a little longer.

I’ll take it to the weird part first.
The ‘Vladinsky’ was originally a doorstop. That’s what is on their price tag and that is the section that they were kept in, in the shop.

Now the part that actually validifies it’s linkage to the Daily Prompt:
You know how I said I sleep with Vladina? Normally, I end up curled ’round her in foetal position. About three times a week, with no sense of consistency, I’ll wake up to see those huge eyes staring at me in the face and it is SO SCARY!!!!!

PS: Thank you to Jensiper for asking about Vladina!