August 3rd

Today was a bad day for me. well, it started really badly. I noticed being unable to get myself out of a loop last night and then unable to get up this morning. I only managed to get my heavy limbs into gear when my mom was shouting up my stairs.

The last time I felt like this was two Fridays ago. This is to serve as I note for how often I go through this cycle. yesterday was a really good day for me though. I don’t think I can go so far as to say I was genuinely happy, but I certainly felt like it.


My New Method

Each Day, I create or update the list of things I need to do on that day. If I know about things in advance, then I’ll make a note of it in advance. I know that it is unwise for me to trust my memory so I resort to Google Keep to keep my life organised.

So far this is manageable. Only a small number of days do I not end up completing the items on the list. This number has been increasing as of late and I am not too sure if it is due to my increased activity or my noting of items on the list that I am unsure of if I need to do or not. I think I need to stick to things that I need to do. Nothing else.

I think I want to be more active on this blog. It provides me with a great outlet that allows me to achieve soundness of mind and I get to feel as if I am helping others. I want to do more though. Not just because the more I help others the better I feel, I want to do something good with my life. As a person who suffers from Anxiety and Depression, I feel as if I ought to show what it is like for me to live with it. I have reserved a youtube account called Living With Your Demons

I am uncertain of whether I can commit to it or not. I know that it will be hard, I have yet to conclude what I expect to get out of this or even if it is a good idea. I include the link here for those of you who wish to see what I have. Currently, the page is blank. I’m making a note to add an audio explanation to the site tomorrow. Or perhaps I should just note to give the site some thought.

What would I speak of?
Methods of combatting mental illness

How often would I upload?
Once a month or once every two weeks. Depending on how long research takes

What format would I employ?
Basically audio voice over with animated slides

How many hours of work will it take?
I’d imagine 6 hrs research. 4 hours recording. 2 hrs script writing. 1 hr editing.
And that’s a conservative estimate

Will I be able to manage the workload and stress induced by it?
At Once a month, I think so

Should I enable comments?
This is a question that I think I can only answer once I have a better idea of what my content would be. I am thinking of having no comments but keeping a link to a subreddit where the topic can be discussed at length.

Who else do I link to/what channels should I follow?
Boyinaboand. Wedge. Boogie.

Will I be able to survive the onslaught from youtube?
Can be avoided if subreddit option is taken

How long can I commit for?
Let’s say an episode on each main method of combating depression and/anxiety with a personal musing on how each suggestion worked for me.

How many episodes should I do if I should even do it episodically?
Answered above

At what point do I give Patreon serious consideration?
If it goes beyond the predicted episode count.

What would my badge/logo be? Tagline? Art?
“Keep Talking”

Do I host a discord server for this?

How professional is this channel going to be?

How much do I reveal about myself and those in my life?

Would I need to write scripts or should I do it free-form with only a few pointers?

What other channels could I look to for inspiration?
Wedge from the Mana Source. Dave from BoyinaBand.

What do I name the Channel?
Also unknown.

My year in review

The following is a list of how I think I have been so far this year. The topics appear as they came to mind, there is little forethought to any of this beyond my desire to create this list for my future self and those that care about my current state.

  • My Anxiety
    • Overall, this has been good. I have not had nearly as many breakdowns as I have had in previous years, however, I do not feel good about that. If we take my level of anxiousness to be a measure of how much I care about something, then my lack of feeling anxiety this year is directly related to my lack of caring about the world. Question is, what caused this change?
  • My Depression
    • Simply put, I think it was my depression. It has ruined me for the most of this year. I had no motivation to do well in anything that I put myself to. I stepped out of the fencing club and have not involved myself in it where at all possible. When it came to exam time I achieved a record low. I am no longer able to graduate summa cum laude and I only had these two semesters to go too. I am disappointed in myself because I know I could have, and should have done better. In class, I did not pay full attention. I did not take my usual amount of notes. I paid more attention to my tablet than I did to the words that were coming out of my lecturers’ mouths. So what can I do to change this?
  • My Social Situations
    • As I cannot answer the above question, let me speak of this for now. I have avoided almost all social contact this entire year. On campus, I stayed in the department or off campus and did not partake in social gatherings beyond meeting with Jethro at the movies once, and FNM. My family and friends have moved to the more local Unseen Shoppe FNM and I am finding it a much more comforting place than the Batcave. It used to be smaller but has, on some nights, exceeded the number of people in attendance. I am familiar with the people at Unseen and I like the store. I wish to continue going there.
    • I have half committed to EDH on Sundays at unseen and Pathfinder on Mondays but neither of them I have completely agreed to. I would like to do both but I worry that petrol will become an issue and that it may be too much socialising for me to handle. I really like the sound of Jason’s Roll20 game sessions but think that a more role playing based environment would be better.
    • I still dislike going out and would rather stay at home but am able to cope with doing the shopping alone now and am better at telling when my brain is getting overloaded and I need to back out. This is what I am most proud of that I have mentioned so far. Its a great step towards stabilising my mental health.
    • I joined the furry community (ZAFuzzButts) but would not consider myself a furry. I like the role play involved and it is nice to be able to voice random thoughts somewhere where I know they won’t be laughed at.
  • My Friends
    • The honourable mention
      •  midway through the year I wanted to get back in touch with this person from my past. Now I am of the mind to not make contact and move on even if there are things that I feel are left unresolved. I acknowledge that it would be better for me if I found that closure but I simply do not wish to remake her live those terrible memories of me, nor do I want to remind myself of what I did to her.
    • Ella
      • Overall doing well, rather stressed out, now has a boyfriend (Andrew)
    • Jason
      • still on the rise as far as he is letting me know
    • Jethro
      • his position on this list is iffy but he is here for ‘old times sake’
    • Nasreen
      • the most troublesome of my friends but who never feels like a burden. I cannot say how my relationship is with her as we have had many disagreements in the past few days. I really hope she is doing well enough.
    • CJC
      • the most recent addition to my circle of friends. I really like this woman but cannot put any kind of measurement on the strength of our bond yet.
    • Others
      • The ‘others’ here refers to all those that I care about their presence in my life, but not enough to do anything about were major issues to arise. The people at unseen shoppe and Batcave are prime examples here.
  • My Family
    • My dad being away is taking a noticeable toll on my mom and myself. He is my support in the house and without him, I feel less safe. I think that this is one of the reasons why my depression has been more intense this year. My mom, is trying very hard to cover all the things that he did, I am yet to determine whether it is my bias or not but I think that she and I are doing the vast majority of the work when my siblings could easily share some of that burden.
  • My Work
    • I mentioned earlier how my marks dropped to disappointing levels and I regret that I was foolish enough to not do anything about it when I knew at the time that it was an issue. I did all I needed to do in order to pass.
  • My Hobbies
    • Music has dropped off the radar completely. I now spend most of my time reading but I would like to spend more of that time drawing and cooking. I have started to enjoy dancing more and more as the year has gone on and would no longer like to quit should the opportunity arise. I still have no desire to compete in it though. Now that I have access to a working computer I am enjoying and thankfully not abusing my time on it.
  • My Habits
    • Biting nails, fidgeting, compulsive scratching, and restlessness. The constant ringing in my ears which varies in intensity each day. The lack of forethought before I speak when I am comfortable and the overthinking of thoughts when I am not. I like to always be doing something and podcasts, writing and drawing are easy and constructive outs that I wish to pursue more of.
  • My resolve
    • is…incredibly weak. I am still indecisive and I battle to do thing. This largely relates back to the beginning of what I was writing here where the more I care about something, the easier it is for me to do it, but the more likely I am to have an anxiety attack and fail, which makes me more anxious and it is a vicious cycle. On the days when I wish to do absolutely nothing, I now have found the willpower to make sure I last the day. Mainly because I know that if I end up damaging my body or my mind and live, I will regret it. I wish to not regret any more.

That is about all I can manage right now. I can feel the lure of sleep pulling me ever closer into the tides of darkness. I hope that that answers the question I hate the most: How are you?


Okay, where to start…

Hello, everyone. I feel extremely awkward coming back to you all after all this time that I neglected you. I know that that is not a rational thought as my odds are having a devout following are minuscule but I feel as if that is what I address you people as. Regardless, I shall be brief.

This place started off as a sanctuary for me in the beginning of this year but as my mental fortitude worsened and I drowned in my handful of mental illnesses, this became as much of a hell-hole for me as all my other safehouses. I have changed considerably over the course of the year and what I admire about myself is that I actually managed to get up despite falling as hard as I did and having one of my best friends torn away from me.

I don’t want your pity and I don’t want your concern. It is futile to worry over something you can do nothing about. In a few hours, I am deactivating my page. I am noot going to delete it as I do wish to keep its content for personal reference but this marks the end of Dreamer’s Paradise.

I no longer dream commonly anymore, it is a rarity that plagues me at night when I do.

Farewell, people of the internet.


Cable Ties and Duct Tape

I was speaking to my brother about not knowing what to write when I had a Homer Simpson like Epiphany. I could write about what I knew. I would write a tale about my life and my journey, but attributing it’s features to another and seeing how they would react to my situation. I guess this will be a horribly cliched novel(la) but I want t write and have something to focus on.

However, I am having Second Thoughts on actually writing this. It would involve me tapping into past events that I would rather just stay hidden. I don’t want to divulge all of my secrets. And, I know, I don’t have to. None of what I say therein is guaranteed to be truth. None of it has to be. Why I am having second thoughts is because I am so scared that I will stuff this up like I have done for so many other things. I am proud of this and do not wish for it to fail. I want it to be great, and, if not, at least good. I want it to be something that I can be proud of and something that I can use as reference to who I am.

I guess this is as much a journey of self discovery as it is of story crafting. I am scared. And I am not brave. But I want to do this. I want to show you what I can do. I want to impress you and make you feel those vicious things called emotions with my words alone.

My story, for now, is called ‘Cable Ties and Duct Tape’. It speaks of a broken boy who is desperately trying to tie himself together with whatever he can find. He faces a number of psychological defects and sees the world in what he keeps on getting told is ‘a different light’ but he himself doesn’t quite believe it.

I am very nervous to post anything relating to this here but I shall try to. I am very keen to hear your thoughts on this idea and will get back to all of you who take the time to comment.

-Nefilibata Out


“Don’t let a day of the week have so much power over your happiness.”
—Andrea L’Artiste

It’s Monday again. That day when we start back up our schedule and are reminded of the perpetual cycle that we willfully force ourselves into. This is my guess for why we all hate Mondays. But, there are those of us who look forward to this dreary day and to those people, I wish to say congratulations. You have done something that makes your life happy. Be proud of that.

Anyway. Enough moaning. Well, enough about Monday anyway. I want to write. I want to write badly. I want to weave tales of adventure and moral dilemma. I want to etch out tales that make its readers weep for loss, loathe the tragic ‘heroes’, and long for moments of bliss. But, whenever they get those moments, I want them to fear what I have in store for them next. I want to write something worth reading but have found it so terribly difficult to face the act of writing itself. I fear it. I do not wish to put myself through that. But I want to write. I want to write. Continue reading “Mondays…”